Everyone has an idol. It can be a rockstar, an actor/actress, anyone. Mine happens to be my best friend. As you all know from my previous post (two months ago), she was diagnosed with cancer. Since then she has done 4 chemo treatments, and her arm has shrunken significantly to the point where she can fit in her old t-shirts again. I almost burst into tears or shit my pants (or a combination) when she showed me that she had mobility again and started moving her shoulder in a way I hadn't seen in months. Since her diagnosis she has spent most of her time in the hospital, but even so we make time to see each other at least once a week (with a half hour drive on my part, but distance means nothing to me).

I wasn't sure how cancer would take a toll on her. I knew she was strong, I never doubted that for a second. I also knew she was going to lose all her hair and be weaker from the chemotherapy. But I was afraid of how her personality would change.Throughout all of this, I admire how she's stayed the same person: goofy, loving, bubbly and silly. Her confidence floors me, and she gives me strength and inspires me to move forward in my life no matter what I face. When I first saw her without her hair, I'll admit, I was stunned.  I didn't know how to feel: angry because she didn't deserve to go through this? sad? I didn't know. But thirty seconds from walking into the hospital room, she began to make bald jokes and even convinced me to pet her head which "felt like a puppy".

I know that she has a long journey ahead of her, and that she has 27 treatments to go but everyday is a day closer to her being healthy again. I can't wait until we can take a road trip down to California and hunt down all the food trucks (because now, she is obsessed with the food network), or go back to New York City together. She'll make it through this with grace and beauty, just how she's overcome everything else in her life; and I'll be right beside her just like I always have. I love you cm/miley/chandelier <3 nbsp="nbsp" p="p">

life stopping moments

Today marks a week that I received some news that literally changed my life. I'm 18, so my life changing moments have been at a minimum. Now I presume that common 18-year-old life changing moments include falling in love, moving out, or spontaneously deciding on a new travel adventure like backpacking in Australia. What I assume isn't as common at 18, is finding out your best friend has cancer.

That single word can shatter lives, it's ridiculous how big of an impact it has. Let me tell you, I'm not a crier and that word reduced me back into being a child wailing at the top of my lungs, leaving my parents and boyfriend at a loss at words as to what to say or do to calm me down. My dad was so shocked to see me in this state that he even went to water the lawn at 12:30 am as I bawled on my moms bed. But I know as shattered as I was at the news, I was no where as impacted as my friend was and her family. 

She has been suffering with extreme shoulder pain since January, and was repeatedly misdiagnosed. As her shoulder began to mysteriously swell, it puzzled seven doctors. "Frozen Shoulder" "Torn Deltoid" "Muscle Mass" "Dislocated Shoulder" -- no one was coming up with the right answer. Finally after months of pointless physio, and a massive growth and insane swelling in her shoulder taking it twice its normal size, she went to emergency. It was then that they finally took her seriously, booked her an MRI followed by a biopsy and within a week and a half (give or take a few days) we knew what it was. Osteosarcoma. 

As heavy as the diagnosis was, we were all glad that finally she had an answer and can begin to get better. Currently she is doing scans and tests so doctors can begin treatment options so she can kick this to the curb and into the past. Despite all of this, I whole-heartedly know that she will be okay. She's one of the strongest people I know, and as much as this may hurt me, I know I have to be strong for her too.   

A petty thing called human nature

Some movies resonate with me so much that it's all I can think about. The first movie to ever do this to me was Blood Diamond. Yes although Leonardo DiCaprio is the main character, the story about the diamond trade and how the people in Sierra Leona are treated (children included -- child soldiers) inspired me to a point that to this day I want to go to Africa.

The most recent movie to do this to me is The Help. After the movie was over I started thinking about how much has changed, but also how little has changed. I understand that the 1960s have gone and passed, but even though there isn't such blatant discrimination as there was back then, the fact that it still exists in 2012 is disgusting. Humans discriminate on every level. In the movie, it was on race. Coloured women were house maids and nannies, and treated like shit to put it nicely. My mom is a housemaid. She busts her butt off working with severe Carpal Tunnel in both wrists, and even just to think of her being treated differently because of that is sickening. Discrimination today is a lot more subtle (in most cases -- not all), but still spreads off into so many branches; skin colour, ethnicity, religion, jobs, income, social status, mental capability, sexuality.

And honestly, so what? So what if you're black, brown, white, hell even be cheetah print if you want to. So what if you're a cashier at Wal-Mart? So what if you've had to be held back in school because of a learning disability? So what if you believe in one God, no God or several Gods? So what if you like men, women or both? Strip it all down, we are all the same inside. We're all the same species, we have the same organs, more or less have the same feelings and if you took everything away; jobs, income, skin colour, religion, ethnicity: no one would be able to tell who was who. We would just be human.

But that's just never going to happen right? Because as human as we are, we're also inhumane. Selfishness, jealousy, all the ugly things sprouting in humans are what destroy us, and really one day I honestly think it'll kill us.

for the love of a daughter

Sometimes when I start to get inside my head, I find it almost impossible to get back out. Sometimes I just get so lost in my emotions that I don't even know what I'm feeling, if that makes any sense.

I can only breakdown in front of one person in my whole family: my dad. I've never met someone so carefree and happy, or someone who is such a hard worker. He works so hard and so far away that since as long as I can remember (back into grade 3 or so) I've seen him on an every two week schedule, ie. he's working 10-14 days, he comes home for 2-3. Now I know I'm not one to complain, compared to military families who have to go without their family members for months at a time, I've got it pretty good. Sometimes if the stars align and we're lucky, my dad even has a job near the city and can be at home for a few months. But instead of getting easier, I feel like him being away just gets harder. Maybe it's because as things intensify with my mom I miss him being around as my support system and my saving grace. My dad is very much "push the bird out of the nest and make them fly" while my mom is very "as she gets older, tighten the leash", and without my dad peacekeeping among us; it's this never ending struggle of me trying to claim my independence while my mother tries to fit me back into being a four year old. It's just getting a little tiring to face it by myself.

I don't blame my mom, I know that she loves me and I honestly wish I could have the relationship I have with my dad, with her. And while our relationship has improved slightly, it's still lacking and I just can't figure out what to do to keep moving forward. With my dad it's easy: I don't even have to say anything, he just knows.

I just miss him -- alot. That's all. 

let it be, let it be

Sometimes  I sit and think of how much has changed in the past few years of my life; how much I've changed. In high school I don't think I could've been any more naive. I've always wanted the best for the people around me and never wished less than my best intentions in my friendships and relationships, but it never occurred me that people could use other people as a time card: check in when you need something, check out when you're done.

Now in high school this concept applied slightly, but not much since everyone saw everyone almost everyday of the week. But since graduating a year ago, I couldn't have witnessed this more. I'm the kind of person that likes to be on good terms with everyone, making sure everyone is okay, that they know they have someone to talk to and ultimately, I sincerely felt it was my job to hold "the group" together. Let me tell you this was exhausting physically, mentally and emotionally. One of the hardest things, if not the hardest, I've had to learn since graduation was laissez-faire just let it be. Let it be. Let the people who want to talk to me, talk to me. Let the people who want to make the effort, make that effort. Let those who want to be in my life, IN my life and those who don't, just let them go. I'm not going to lie, I struggled a lot feeling distant from my friends and isolated, even though in reality I wasn't but a person can't control how they feel. I cried, I got angry, I had hissy fits; I did all the stereotypical-emotional girl things. I would graciously open my arms to the people in my life who needed me, be there for them, then sit there confused when they would walk out again and disappear for awhile, then re-appear when something else went wrong. Needless to say, I caught on eventually.

I'm not saying I won't help those who come to  me. I think there will always be that part inside of me that will need or even want to help them, and that is always who I'll be. But I've come to a happy medium of keeping those who make the effort with me around more often. My friends circle decreased significantly, but that doesn't bother me in the slightest. Relationships (friendships, love, family) should be easy. They shouldn't make you feel like shit about yourself, they shouldn't be destructive, unhealthy, high maitnence: they should just be. They are meant for support, love, strength and providing confidence and encouragement in your life. Relationships have hiccups, but if its 90% bad and 10% good... you might want to re-evaluate. It's better to have those true few, then a plethora of fakes. 

just another blog post second of the day! don't mind me.

this is my life. (NOT WRITTEN BY ME.)

You know you're a nursing student when:

1. You watch medical shows and comment the whole way through about how that scenario would NEVER happen in real life... or that the doctor is using his stethescope backwards
2. You cringe when someone around you doesn't cover his cough or sneezes into her hands
3. Your friends and family members come to you with their minor medical problems and expect you to be able to diagnose them
4. People look at you weird when you use medical terms in everyday conversations
5. You use your family members to practice physical assessments and taking vitals, and volunteer to bandage their boo-boos
6. 6 hours of clinical prep have you stressed out all week long
7. Your friends have banned you from talking about class and/or clinical while eating
8. You notice when someone you're introduced to has really good veins
9. You wish that caffeine came in IV form
10. You self diagnose with whatever disease you've been reading about in your textbook, even the mental ones
11. You turn of the faucet and open the door in public restrooms by using a paper towel... and carry hand sanitizer in your backpack
12. When you enter a classroom with a hand sanitizer dispenser outside the door you gel in and gel out
13. You get excited when someone says there's a dressing change or catheter to be done on the unit
14. Your birthday and Christmas lists consist of nursing "toys"
15. The correct answer is not on the test, and you could have argued 3 of the 4 answers
16. The words "care plan" give you a headache

word.

real talk.

Today we're going to talk about relationships -- or should i say real-ationships.

An unrealistic amount of relationships are fake now a days, friendships are taken for grated, people use dating as an excuse for sex or comfort or a security blanket. Maybe I'm old fashioned, but sweetheart, your relationship isn't going to work if you're not going to be real with yourself, and the other person: be it friend, boyfriend, cousin, pupil. That shit is not happening. To be real, you have to be you. None of that happy sappy bullshit, where you pretend you are the supremely confident supermodel type who can speak 12 languages, but the girl who is down to earth, has her insecurities (we're girls. we all have them, fess up) and hell if you can speak 12 languages, props to you. I speak two and still have word dyslexia. 

You can't build a relationship off bullshit, you can try, but it won't work... and if it works for awhile, it won't work forever. Hate to break your happiness bubble. You have to be truthful to the other person, maybe you don't have to tell them about your past (we all have something we're not proud of), but don't pretend to be something your not because that just leads into that other person falling inlove/liking this person you have now created, and when you get tired playing dress up, they're just like wtf? Who is this girl? To be yourself with this said person, first of all, you have to KNOW who you are. Thirteen-year-olds, lets face it, you don't know what you're doing at 13. I was the most messed up kid at 13, I wanted to be emo-sob-about-my-life-and-how-horrible-it-is, but then spontaneously wanted to become a fashion designer. Now here I am, 18 and neither. Maybe your relationship will last at 13, my parents did. But that's also my parents. This isn't the olden days anymore, our priorities are effed up.

So now that we know who we are, secondly, KNOW WHAT YOU WANT. Do you want the Marilyn Manson type? Leonardo DiCaprio? Do you want a Hugh Heffner-kinda guy who'll leave you millions when he dies? But please, make this decision realistically. There is only one Matthew Mcconaughey in our world, and he's busy and most likely taken. Once you know that, you won't fall into the arms of the countless other dudes who are just so wrong for you, and who leave you bawling your eyes out and pigging out on Ben and Jerrys. Saves you tears, time AND those extra 15 lbs you would gain then later cry over. For friendships, don't have these unrealistic expectations and expect everyone to be perfect. People make mistakes, we're human not robotic. 

And lastly, don't make relationships your security blanket. No one wants a stage 5 clinger, neither as a girlfriend or best friend. We need oxygen to breathe, kinda hard when you're taking it all up in my bubble...

There you go. Summary?

1. KNOW WHO YOU ARE

2. KNOW WHAT YOU WANT

3. DON'T BREATHE OTHER PEOPLES OXYGEN -- just kidding. But seriously. No stage 5 clingerness.