dirty laundry

Lately I've been having that sinking feeling deep down in my heart, you know the one everyone experiences at one moment or another. The feeling of not being good enough. Sometimes I lay here on my bed, and question every aspect of my life. My friends, what I mean to them, my career choice, what I mean to family, do i really work that hard. Hours upon hours, I sit here in this silence, trying to fill it up with endless episodes of one tree hill, or even indulging myself in a amazing book (I've read two in three weeks... that's more than I've read since high school english class). Maybe that's my problem, I think too much. I overanalyze, I criticize and I overly invest my emotions in everything. Living with your heart on your sleeve, isn't the greatest. I try to hold this tough facade, this shell. But really, I'm just as soft and vulnerable beneath it. I try to sent subtle messages, for someone to reach out but they are never really received. To be honest, only one person has continually tried and for the most part succeeded, and I love him with my whole heart for that, I don't know where I'd be without him. He's the one person I've literally told everything to. Maybe that's because over time I've pushed people away, and in the past nine months he's continued to try get me back. He keeps me sane, honestly.

Change in train of thought. I just have this gut feeling in my stomach, that something is going to go wrong soon, and I don't know with what. Maybe I'll lose another friend (isn't that what happens after high school?), or maybe my mom will have one of her fits (fits that a current slim population of one know about -- him again). I don't know. I'm usually not wrong about these horrible gut feelings, but I guess time will tell right?

Lately, I've also been wondering my purpose in life. What am I supposed to do? Why am I here, in this place, in this moment. Sometimes I think it's to save a life, but millions of people do that everyday. I don't know. Maybe I'm feeling this way because of being hopped up on cough medicine from my cold and a lack of sleep (since it is 2 am...). Just, I feel like my whole life right now is a big fat "I don't know". But I do know one thing; I never want to lose him. Does that make me pitiful? I've never depended on someone this much, or invested my emotions to this extent in any relationship. I can't imagine it falling apart. It scares me a little, really. I'm not sure if this blog post even makes any sense. I just feel a little scatterbrained, and I know if I didn't get this out I wouldn't sleep. Well then, here your have it... for your relatablitity (is that even a word?) or even entertainment. Insight into the dirty laundry going on inside my head.