what am i, 12?

As mentioned previously, I turned 18. In October, to be exact.
But according to my mother, this still does not get me out of a 9 o'clock curfew.
I'm pretty sure when I was in junior high, my curfew was 9:30-10...
I'm now in University.
How does this make sense?
I'm not sure.



Immigrant Parents.


on the bright side of this snow-y & miserable day:
cake batter or cookie dough is amazing.



stay warm,
little jay

Just a thought...

What ever happened to the kindness of humanity?

I feel like humanity has been losing its compassion and morals as time goes on. It's ridiculous how judgemental and black-hearted so many people are today. Ignorance isn't bliss, it's ruining our society.

Yesterday, I went to the mall with my mom and as we were leaving the parking lot driving away, an elderly woman caught my eye on the sidewalk. She was hunched over in the bitter cold, several shopping bags hanging from her arms, and as we drove closer I was confused on what she was doing so bent over. Then I saw the cane on the ground and her frail little arms trying to reach it. At least ten people had passed right next to her on the sidewalk, some glancing, but no one stopped to help. I made my mom stop in the middle of the street so I could get out and help her with her cane. It's unbelievable that from the crowd of people swarming around her, no one bothered to help.

There's also a homeless man, well, to be honest I'm not sure if he's homeless. I believe he's mentally ill. But regardless, he used to sit in the Tim Hortins near my house, and it made me so happy to see that people would buy him soup on a cold day, or a donut if they were in the mood. Everyone in my area knows him. The Tim Hortins just switched to a new owner, and I just recently found out that the man (his name is Joe), is no longer allowed in the Tim Hortins. Now, incase you've never been to the part of Canada I live in, it gets absolutely freezing in the winter. Who gives this manager the right to kick Joe out? I understand companies have the right to refuse service, but isn't that for when someone is being disruptive, or rude? Please, enlighten me. Because other than grunts or head nods, Joe doesn't even talk.

Also at this Tim Hortins, in late September when it was getting a little chilly, there was a girl maybe about 19, who was sitting outside. I walked in with my mom, and as I stood in line for my coffee, I watched her ask people for bus money, and everyone was completely rude to her! Yes, I understand that you never know if the money will be used for the bus or not, but you don't need to be rude. You don't know someone's story. I overheard the construction workers in front of me talking about what a disgrace it was to our city, to have such poorly presented people sitting around in public places. This day, Joe was also at the Tim Hortins (before the new owner came into the picture). When I got to the register, I asked for my breakfast but also two extra coffees and extra donuts. I got my order, and shoved passed the construction workers who were huddled by the door now, outside to the girl and handed her a bag of donuts and a large coffee. It was freezing outside and she barely had on a jacket. I then went inside and gave the other coffee and bag of donuts to Joe. Let's say that shut up the arrogant construction workers.

Oh, and one of them also dropped their coffee.
Karmas a bitch, isn't it?

Kill them with Kindness,
little jay.

No new beginning, is ever completely new...

I was contemplating on deleting my old blog posts, since I've recently (as in, today) re-discovered my blog. But then I decided, why delete something from my past? The past is my past, and my history makes me who I am today. So therefore, you are all blessed to still see my dirty laundry from high school. Isn't that the most exciting news?!

Let's be honest here for a second. I'm not going to say that I went on some grand adventure, travelling the world and changing my life completely in which made me so busy I couldn't blog about its excitement. No. Pure and simple? I forgot about it...
I realize, it's been since May. But with graduating in June, diploma exams, going on a family vacation to Portugal and then starting University... It completely slipped my mind.

I want to say not much has changed, but in reality it has; it just doesn't seem like it. First of all, I would say the biggest shock is university. Graduation was bittersweet, I loved leaving part of high school behind... but I can't help but sometimes think back to it, and thinking I took its simplicity for granted. I've lost friends, gained some new ones, and strengthened my friendship with old ones, while maybe drifting from others. If that makes any sense, but it's what's happened. University is like a social-life leech. It's a fun-sucker. I have yet to find that "blissful happiness" in writing papers, midterms and being a slave to my textbooks + powerpoints. For those who ask: what am I studying? Let's just say I'm learning how to save your life.

A few blogposts ago, I mentioned New York. However, I did not mention the boy I met there. Let's say, he became more than just a boy to me. Nak and I have been together for 7 months now, and I've never met someone like him. He's amazing, and not even that is the right word to describe him. For friends, I'm still close to most of the girls from high school, primarily sticking to Chandelier, Jordy, Bee, and Red. I love those girls to pieces, even though it can sometimes be a roller-coaster of ups and downs.

Oh, have I also mentioned I turned 18? You can only imagine the crazy encounters or stories I'll have with this... facepalm.
But that's for another blogpost.

here's my song of the day:
Safe by OK Sweetheart

Kill 'em with kindness ;)
little jay

words i'll never say.

Dear ________,
I wish you realized how hard I bust my ass off in everything to make you proud for even a single second. You say I don't do anything, I know compared to you it's little, but it's not nothing. For an average person in grade 12, I think I do alot. I volunteer twice a week, work 4 times a week until 10:30/11:30 just so you don't have to pay for any of my things. I'm saving towards a car, mac book, and my spending money in Europe all for YOU not to buy it for me. I study, manage a 93 in AP English, and study my ass off as hard as I can for Chemistry. I got into the best nursing school in North America to realize the dream you had as a pediatric nurse pracitioner. I do something, hoping for even the slightest smile. And all I get in return is a blow or insult. I'm not selfish. I haven't done something for MYSELF in a long time, I don't even remember the last thing I did for myself. I get barely any sleep from staying up either doing homework, studying or coming home late from work. You didn't even ask me how my valedictorian speech went. You know how much that meant to me, especially since I wasn't expecting to be nominated. You watched me sit around my computer trying to make the best speech I could.
People always tell me I'm this great person, that I'm going to go places and that I'm this or that. I never believe them because everytime I think I'm starting to be good enough, you shut me down and show me I'm not. I'm to the point I'm going to fall over exhausted because I am physically and mentally drained of trying so hard. I'm not even done high school yet and I already feel like this. I know I lash out at times, and sometimes don't do what you ask me to do right away, but I get it done. And when I do it, I don't half ass it. And even that isn't good enough for you. It's never good enough for you. I never will be. That's what it feels like anyway.
Sorry for the disappointment.
Joana.

homework does this.

hey homeskillets,
so I am writing this admist of finishing my 18 chapter analysis of Pride & Prejudice.
Yeah, you read that right, 18 chapters. I go to a catholic school, and when my english teacher pulled the "I won't give you alot of homework over the Easter Weekend" I thought she'd give us around 8 chapters.... 18.
I don't know what I'm blogging about today. I just want to ramble. My mind is eeeeevveerryywhheerreee.

Lalalalala.
Lights grow out and I can't be saavedd, Tides that I tried to swim againnnssttt!
Random Coldplay outburst.

I spent my weekend in Canmore with my famjam, my mom, dad and broski. Let's see if I mediate for a few seconds I can think of something intelligent to blog about...

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hehe, I used to do those all the time on msn. You guys must all think I'm high on something. IM HIGH ON LIIIIFFEE <3
here's story time with Joana about my childhood!
When I was mad, I would throw eggs at the road. My mom didn't think this was funny. I thought it was very therapeutic. I also tried to insulate eggs in my blankey in my closet in hopes I would have a little chicklet. I only learnt this year in Biology 30, that the eggs we eat are unfertilized...
There's no point to this blog. LOL.
I'm still aliveee! I wonder what it would be like to ride an alligator.
love love love,
little jay.

ps kids, don't do drugs. stay in school.

bearing the soul.

Days do get better. People need to believe that, we need to believe that things get better as time passes, and that the future is bright. Why is it a dying cancer patient can smile and hope for a cure that isn't coming, but someone living, breathing, healthy, who confronts some life problems can't see past the one road block? I'm not being naive, I know a small problem for me can be something life altering for someone else, but I also know that you never know what the future brings. I don't know if my family will win the lottery tomorrow, or if something devestating will happen that will completely alter my life and choices. Every downward spiral has it's way up, no matter how difficult. Every person has strength within themselves. Some see it and use it, others don't believe it's there, but it is. it is. Life is unexpected, no matter how much we try to plan and control it, it is uncontrollable. It is out of our hands. We can anally plan every minute in a day planner, with endless appointments, endless planned and thought out conversations with flashcards. But one event, one single moment can alter everything, and it will be something completely unplanned. If you hit rockbottom, there's a way up, because if there wasn't how would you have got there? I'm not saying you won't slip, I'm not saying it'll be easy, I'm not saying that it'll take one night, it's a journey. Everything is, and we don't have a map for it. Life isn't a geography class with planned routes and roads, predictable winding roads and hair-pin turns. We can only map out the past, and the moment we're in. The future is unknown. I guess that scares people, I know it scares me. I crap my pants thinking that next year I'm walking into university, without the safety net of high school and of knowing practically everyone for a long time. I may play it off that I'm confident about it, and ready. But boy am I not, I don't want to lose some of the people I've met in high school, I don't want to drift from the people I love dearly right now. In a way I yearn for the change, and for the new adventure, but that part of me wants things to remain in this exact moment, just for a little while. Time passes too fast. Its like I blinked in grade 8 with my health teacher saying "time passes fast, faster than you know it, you'll be graduating." Was he ever right. I don't even know where I'm going with this blogpost anymore, to be honest. blaaah, I wish people didn't give up. I wish they believed in a better day, I wish they had the strength to go on, and realize that life is unpredictable and that you never know if the next turn will be a good one... As Marilyn Monroe says, "I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so you learn to let go. Things go wrong so that you learn to appreciate them when they are right. You believe less so eventually you trust no one but yourself. And sometimes, good things fall apart for better things to fall together."

empire state of mind :)

So much happened on this trip I think it deserves a blog post.

The trip started out with everyone having to be at the airport at 4:30 am, :) then we flew from Edmonton to Toronto (good job Crystal, you survived your first airplane ride!) then Toronto to New York.

Can we discuss how ghetto the airport was? LOL but seeing so many taxi's made our lives. (Brittany, you squealed.)

We all piled into a bus and went to our hotel, which was in Korea Town. After dumping off our stuff, we took a tour around NYC seeing things like the Trump Tower, Central Park, John Lennon's Memorial (my personal favorite <3), Lincoln Centre, Madison Square Garden, and a ton of other things. For supper we went to Bubba Gumps, I'm sure they wanted to kick us out. LOL. Our table was jamming it out and singing :D.

Day two we went hard, started out with going to the Statue of Liberty, resulting in me almost flying away on the ferry because the wind was so strong and I decided being on the top deck would be a fantastic idea. We also took a picture with a guy dressed as the statue, who then demanded 5 dollars from us... After the Statue we went to Ellis Island, missing our original ferry time because people never know what time it is. Once we got back to Battery Park, there were 3 street dancer/performers/comedians who made us have front row seats because we were the "SPARTAAANS", due to this I was pulled into the performance. Yeah, great times. The guy told me that once I would go black, I'd never go back, but with being white I was aaaaaaalways right. ;) they were hilarious. They also pulled up Brittany as the "sexy white girl" they needed! LOL. One of the guys jumped over 5 of us, it was great. Later on we walked through Wall Street, saw the Stock Market, and then made our way to Ground Zero, which was under construction. It's going to be amazing when it opens and I'm definitely visiting when it does. :) That night we went to a Jazz restaurant where we were charged 66 dollars in pop. yup, pop. I guess no one gave us the memo on refills arn't free..... Did I mention that on the second day we decided that piling 14 people into an elevator would be a fantastic idea? Yeah, that happened. 14 people were stuck in an elevator for atleast 25 minutes because the front desk wouldn't answer the alarm sound and took forever to save us. LOL, quiiiiteee the experience.

Day three, we ventured over to Rockefeller Centre (can I mention that there are flowers? in New York?), and then had a tour around Radio City. We got to go on the stage, which was amazing considering all the famous and talented people who have performed on it! Afterwards, we had an intense shopping day on 5th Avenue, hitting up the 6 floored Forever 21 primarily, along with other stores. Macy's has 9 floors and two buildings, you can only imagine how overwhelmed it is to walk into it. And that there is also a washroom every two floors...... booking it to the washroom, right cm + bi + jc?! LOL

Day Four, was our tour at NBC studios and acting workshop with Thurman E. Scott. The tour was amazing, we got to see the studio where they film Dr. Oz (<3 i died), and the studio for Saturday Night Live! After the tour, we walked over to the workshop. It was quite the....experience. He had an awkward and odd way of getting us to become "better actors". His assistants were alittle over the top... there was this one excersise where we had to talk to our "negative self" and they were LOSINNNGG it, like telling them that they needed to be murdered and that they were bitches and sluts, LOL it was an awkward situation to overhear. That night was our first Broadway Show, RAIN. It was like seeing The Beatles in concert, my life was complete. I have never been so happy and screamed so much and sang along so hard, it was amazing. <3 <3 considering there arn't time machines, it was practically like seeing The Beatles. They sounded identical, I shit you not.

Day Five, we walked literally like, 20 km around Manhattan. hitting up places like CHINA TOWN! :) Jenna got hit on by a black man in McDonald's, apperantly she's a "squealer"! We walked over to the "white horse tavern" where Bob Dylan performed, Tanner was quite relieved in a cuban place where he left his communist shirt... (I won't reveal details tanner LOL) and where i also tripped over two curbs and walked into a parking meter. Later that night, we all got our fancy on and went to our second broadway show, Wicked. This show is SICK, I definitely want to see it again when it comes to the Jubilee. The set, the actors, the story line and their voices are absolutely mindblowing. I reccommend it to everyone and anyone. It's also hilarious, which I didn't expect at all =P.

Day Six, we went over to the Metropolitan Museum of Art, can I just say it's huuuuge? There's so many displays, and sadly this was the day our tour guide Louis (aka Yellowman) had left us with a woman who got us lost going to our hotel. I mean, no hate, but when we get used to yellowman talking and being so friendly and so informative, it's hard to walk behind a lady holding up an umbrella, giving no information and getting us lost. Afterwards, we walked over the United Nations and were given a tour. Our headphones had the worst static of life, i could hear the tourguide better with them off. But we got to see the conference rooms and everything the United Nations does, which was cool. :) It was also our final night at Bubba Gumps!

Day Seven, the last day.

It was mostly designated as a shopping day. EXCEPT, we were supposed to be on the Today Show! People were always late which lead us to missing our bus and not being able to get there on time. :( But we managed to subway by ourselves to Shoe Mania! Quite proud, not getting lost in New York City. :) It was sad leaving the hotel room, BUT IN OUR HOTEL ROOM WE FOUND "BLOOD" ON THE CURTAIN. Yeah, that's right people. Blood. It was questionable....

I want to thank everyone for making this trip, it was the highlight of my final year at O'Leary. It was great making new friendships, and rekindling friendships with cast family <3, being there with all you guys made every moment worth it. Our happy laughing moments, to our grumpy no-sleep moments (no names ;)), freeezing our butts off, getting seperated by ferries, almost getting hit by taxi's, experiencing thurman e. scott, pranks. Everything. I know I'm probably missing alot out, but just add them in the comments, :) thank you to everyone, I will never forget this. I really wish it wasn't over, and that it hadn't passed as fast as it did.

love you all,

Joana :)