The Wallet Saver

So, I have spontaneously decided that I am going to put myself on a regimen. Not a diet sort of thing, but for those of you who don't know, I have three addictions that just eat up my pay cheques like candy: make-up, clothing and money spending. I can't even describe the happiness I feel when I buy something... or a lot of things, just because I can. It's pure bliss. But what's not bliss, is looking at my bank account afterwards with "The Frown" -- you know, the face you make when your heart breaks a little bit at the balance staring bluntly back into your face? I've decided I need to kick my habits hard, before they kick me even harder. I call this the "The Wallet Saver".
& Here's how I'm going to do this...

1. Make Up: for the people close to me, they know how much I enjoy it. I have drawers completely full of make up I don't even use on a regular basis, just because I like having it. I love buying the brand new plastic wrapped products, trying them out and then stuffing them into a drawer waiting for the perfect moment to wear it. To kick this habit, I'm going to start Project 10 Pan. Also for those of you who don't know, I am an avid youtube watcher and love watching make up tutorials, so to explain Project 10 Pan (a youtube-given idea) it's pretty much I have to use up -- COMPLETELY USE UP-- at least ten products from my make up collection (preferably more). With this, I'll actually use the things I intended on using before and actually finish them before I buy anything else.

2. Clothing:  I also have a problem of buying a bunch of clothes then just shoving it in my closet because I never have a "time" for wearing it. To kick this, I'm going to force myself to wear everything in my closet --everything-- at least once this year. This may not seem like a big deal, but since I'm heavily addicted to sweatpants, yoga pants and sleeping in late... Even wearing everything once will be a challenge with school. I will also force myself to not buy any new clothes for 3 months at a time, and at every 3 month period I will reward myself with ONE clothing item. This means, I will not buy anything new until APRIL 24TH, 2012 (except maybe a Coldplay t-shirt... because I'm seeing them). Just so you know, I might just die because shopping is a massive part of my life... but I'm determined to kick this. Maybe I'll take it even one step further and force myself to take a picture of my outfit everyday for the next year... but that's undecided.

3. Spending: Spending can range from something small as a 6 dollar sandwich to ridiculously priced shoes. Everything in between. I'm making my monthly budget ridiculous, keeping it from 15-25 dollars a month. BUT, there are exceptions to the budgets such as friend's birthday's and such. I seriously want to maintain it to this, of course with an increase when I meet my bank account goal (which for privacy purposes I'm not revealing on the blog, but trust me I'm a ways away).

I'll keep you all posted on how this little escapade will unfold... and hopefully, I don't go through too much withdrawl in the process, and even if you're feeling daring, try it out with me :)!

To do it yourself just pick three things bad habits that consequently affect your wallet and bank accounts, set goals and try it for a year! :)

saving instead of spending,
little jay :)

thinking while reading

While I've been overwhelmed with school work, doing the countless readings I'm required myself to do I find myself having self-reflecting moments and thinking clearly (of course, not on the material I'm reading...). I've always been the kind of person whose afraid of being alone. I mean, who wants to be alone? I've always had this unnecessary need to fight for people to be in my life and to constantly need them there; know everything going on and talking every single day (I don't really know the words to say here, I'm just going on a whim so I apologize if this is scatter brained). While coming into my second semester of university, I came to realize that in order to not lose your sanity (for me, anyway) you need a solid support group, one that you don't have to work for and fight for. I mean, I'm too busy reading at least over 200 pages a week and being expected to retain it, I don't have time to be scurrying behind working so hard in my relationships, and I especially don't have the time to be putting up with petty immaturities (I'm not trying to sound condescending or conceited).

So, I have come to a conclusion that surprisingly, I'm okay with. I'm content with the few I have, the ones that actually know what goes on in my life and try to be there for me without me having to make the first move or every single move. My need to constantly chase after others instead of focusing on myself or the bigger picture, was jeopardizing all the things I have going for me and everything I've worked my ass off for. I saw a quote the other day, that probably all of you have seen, that just fit everything:

Don't make someone who makes you an option, your priority.

So my advice to everyone tonight is, be okay with yourself. Be content with who you have, even if it's not the amount of people you want. It'll be a painstaking process to figure this all out in your head, but when you do it's the most relaxing feeling ,and nonetheless surprising.

I hope everyone's new year is going fantastic :)
and blogs will pop up between the... excessive school work.

much love,
little jay

a brand new year

With a new year comes new opportunities, and a new day to begin the journey to re-invent yourself. I'm not saying a new year is a brand new clean slate, your history doesn't disappear with the 10-second countdown. But the dates, the baggage, it can slowly dwindle into events in the past hidden at the back of your mind. I want to begin this year without the baggage of 2011. I've made a few simple and easy resolutions, that I want to stick by in order to make 2012 better.

First, What happened to me in 2011?
I lost a really good friend, and made some new ones. I graduated high school, started life and university, visited my favourite city in the world New York, fell in love. I found the person I want to spend the rest of my life with, and found the people who are really there for me. I learned to appreciate my family over everything, and to smile even through the tears because I'm strong enough for that. 2011 was a whirlwind, a lot happened and even more changed, one life chapter ended and a new one began.

I want to go into 2012 with open arms and an open mind. At the beginning of 2011 I thought it would remain the way it was forever. Well, I was wrong. 2011 was my best year, and my worst. As I said, I fell in love and made some amazing friends. I started doing what I wanted to do with my life, and make my own independent decisions without having to rely on anyone else. But it was also one of my worst, because as much as I gained I also lost. I lost friends, lost touch and somedays even lost sight of myself.

My resolutions:

Apologize & Forgive. 
I've always been so proud and stubborn to admit I'm at fault, and although it's difficult for me to hold grudges because I forget why I'm mad in the first place, I want to forgive people too.

Smile & Stay Strong.
Everyone has moments of weakness, but I want to begin to overcome mine. I want to take the high road, and not let the little things bother me anymore.

Tell the people I love that I love them, everyday.
I love my family, I love my friends, my boyfriend, dog. I want them to know it everyday, and know how important they all are to me; the impact they make on my life and how much they change me into being the best I can be.

Take the high road.
High school is 5 months behind me, and sometimes I still find myself seeping into that high school mentality. The fake-ness, the jealousy, and honestly I want to escape that. I want to overcome that immaturity and develop into someone I can be proud of.

There are other resolutions, you know like the typical "go to the gym" and "stay in shape" ordeals, but the ones I mentioned at the ones I want to stick to throughout the whole year, and my whole life.

I hope everyone has a great start at the beginning of this year, and that each of you reach your greatest and full potential. :) Happy New Year you guys

little jay :)

dirty laundry

Lately I've been having that sinking feeling deep down in my heart, you know the one everyone experiences at one moment or another. The feeling of not being good enough. Sometimes I lay here on my bed, and question every aspect of my life. My friends, what I mean to them, my career choice, what I mean to family, do i really work that hard. Hours upon hours, I sit here in this silence, trying to fill it up with endless episodes of one tree hill, or even indulging myself in a amazing book (I've read two in three weeks... that's more than I've read since high school english class). Maybe that's my problem, I think too much. I overanalyze, I criticize and I overly invest my emotions in everything. Living with your heart on your sleeve, isn't the greatest. I try to hold this tough facade, this shell. But really, I'm just as soft and vulnerable beneath it. I try to sent subtle messages, for someone to reach out but they are never really received. To be honest, only one person has continually tried and for the most part succeeded, and I love him with my whole heart for that, I don't know where I'd be without him. He's the one person I've literally told everything to. Maybe that's because over time I've pushed people away, and in the past nine months he's continued to try get me back. He keeps me sane, honestly.

Change in train of thought. I just have this gut feeling in my stomach, that something is going to go wrong soon, and I don't know with what. Maybe I'll lose another friend (isn't that what happens after high school?), or maybe my mom will have one of her fits (fits that a current slim population of one know about -- him again). I don't know. I'm usually not wrong about these horrible gut feelings, but I guess time will tell right?

Lately, I've also been wondering my purpose in life. What am I supposed to do? Why am I here, in this place, in this moment. Sometimes I think it's to save a life, but millions of people do that everyday. I don't know. Maybe I'm feeling this way because of being hopped up on cough medicine from my cold and a lack of sleep (since it is 2 am...). Just, I feel like my whole life right now is a big fat "I don't know". But I do know one thing; I never want to lose him. Does that make me pitiful? I've never depended on someone this much, or invested my emotions to this extent in any relationship. I can't imagine it falling apart. It scares me a little, really. I'm not sure if this blog post even makes any sense. I just feel a little scatterbrained, and I know if I didn't get this out I wouldn't sleep. Well then, here your have it... for your relatablitity (is that even a word?) or even entertainment. Insight into the dirty laundry going on inside my head.

merry christmas

So Christmas is supposed to be about cheer, family and celebration!
Well, I'm definitely trying to be as cheery as possible with this impossibly horrible head cold/sinus infection I have going on. However, this spontaneous shortcoming hasn't wavered my gratefulness towards my family, friends, dog and boyfriend. I could not be more thankful for the people in my life, and honestly, I could've gone without presents (except maybe my aloe socks and super-soft blanket keeping my warm in this sick state). The best present is the people around me being happy, healthy and having all their wishes come true. I would be no where without them, and I think they deserve all the best.

Count your blessings today, and be thankful for the good things in your life, and try to overlook the bad (since I know not every home situation is perfect). I sincerely hope from the bottom of my heart everyone got what they wished for, and also for you brave ones going boxing day shopping, be safe! It's a rampage out there!

Much love and many blessings,
Merry Christmas! & Happy Holidays!

Little Jay

Do YOUR best

It's still finals week, and I found myself thinking. I've been trying to set myself against everyone else's standards, that being, individuals with crazy marks on exams that I have no idea how they passed. I mean, 100 on an Anatomy midterm? I'm sorry, but I'm not Albert Einstein, and I don't want to be.

I work hard. I slave around my textbooks for hours and only frustrate myself because I can't remember what everyone else can. I throw aside my very hard-earned 70s and beat myself up about it because, god forbid it wasn't an 80 or 90. Maybe I haven't worked as hard as I could, I'll admit that. There have been days where I chose friends over textbooks, but I never regret those days. Even though I'm 18, I'm still a kid. We're all still kids. Sure, legally we're adults but last time I checked it's eight-TEEN. I've realized that maybe, I won't know every single body part and every single disease, but I have the heart for what I'm studying and the passion to save lives and help people. Working myself up about school and marks, it's made me lose sight of why I came into this program in the first place.

I have to do what I AM able to, and not put myself up to anyone else's standards. I'm not a robot, I'm human. And you know what? 70 is the new 80. ;)

i just ran out of band aids

While trying to study today, I started thinking about my past and would have done differently. If I had known how things played out, what would I tell my younger self? Granted, I'm only 18 and have barely broken into adulthood, but just like every human being I've made mistakes, I've had realizations (hell, look back at old blog posts, I rant about them), and just really wanted to get them down for my sanity's sake, but if it helps someone else then that's even better. These are in no particular order.

You will survive.
I've learnt that anything happening in the present now, is mostly minuscule compared to what the future holds. The fight with your friend over, let's say a boy just for shits and giggles, isn't going to affect you for the rest of your life. Hate to break it to you. I know especially in high school, I thought fights with my friends were the end of the world. Some of them would even alter my ability at school. Frankly, I look back and I'm like "seriously? are you kidding me?" Honestly I can't even remember what most of the fights were over and who even got angry first, and this is just in the first year I've lived outside of high school. I feel like people go into high school and believe that THAT is life. We're all immature at that age, we haven't seen the world much beyond the four walls of a classroom and a projector telling us what we should learn. High school is from age maybe, 14 to 18. There is so much to life beyond that, so much. I've already realized that within six months of graduation. I can rant about this all day.

It may feel like your heartbreak is killing you, but you'll live to love again.
I haven't had very many relationships, but heartbreak isn't just from a boy/girl. Heart break comes from family, friends, losing someone or even losing sight of yourself. Your heart will break several times throughout your life, and sometimes it'll cause your life to fall apart. But it goes on, it really does. I can't stress that enough. You will find happiness again, you will be back on your own two feet, and maybe no one can give you that except yourself.

People come into your life for a season, reason or a lifetime.
We always think the people who come into our lives will be here forever, but they won't. Some people come and go as fast as seasons change. They walk in and out of our lives in merely a blink. Other people come into your life just as quick, but act as a lesson, the "reason". They teach you something sometimes without even you realizing it. It's hard to recognize these people, as I can only really do it when I'm looking back, and it's honestly heartbreaking to not see some of them anymore, or have really no idea where they went. If you're lucky, the people you want to stay in your life forever, are there for a lifetime.

Let the pieces fall how they're supposed to.
As much as we try, we really can't control our destiny and fate. Stop fighting it and go with flow and let things play out how they're supposed to. Maybe you don't agree with how it goes, but if it's in your playing cards how can you stop it? Some things in our lives we have control over, our decisions and choices. But if you're meant to be with someone, you will be with them. If you're meant to be somewhere for something, you'll be there. Sometimes some of the most important parts of your life come when you arn't expecting them, or even looking for them.

Don't take things for granted: Cherish every moment, with every person. It doesn't matter who it is, you never know when it could be the last time you ever see them.
This is so true. Sometimes I find myself sitting on the train home and think, "what if something happened, right now? would I have told everyone I love that I love them? Would I be satisfied with my life and where I am?", but just as quick as it comes, the moment goes. But really, think about it. Telling people you love them is personally, the single-handedly most important thing. You never know when you'll see them again, or even if they'll see you. Don't go to sleep mad, don't hold a grudge because in the long run, you'll regret it when you realize you can't take back what you said to them.

Apologize.
Swallow your damn pride for once, and admit your wrong. I have the biggest problem admitting I'm at fault, and sucking up enough to actually whole heartedly apologize and not half-ass it. Looking back, if I had just really apologized for some things I did or said when I needed too, high school probably would've been a bit easier. I'm too hard headed.

Jealousy really is an ugly green monster.
Cherish what you have and don't envy what others have, this goes for material items and everything else. Count your blessings, count your accomplishments, I guarantee there's a number of them no matter how big or small. Being jealous of other people has tainted some of my best friendships, and creates a wall between some of my best friends and I, when it really shouldn't be there. Do the best YOU can, and not at the standard at everyone else.

Happiness is the best revenge.
I'm not a spiteful person, I don't wish any bad on anyone. But I'll admit I've secretly looked at people and wished for a magical piano to fall from the sky and crush them to smithereens, but then I learnt it you can be happy, that's the best way to get back at someone and no longer be affected. Happiness drives people crazy, everyones looking for it and once you find it... it's the best way to get back at the people who've hurt you; without you further hurting yourself or becoming to their level. Be the bigger person.

I have more, and there very might be a sequel to this post but I hope this helped someone. :) I really do.
Keep your chin up and your shoulders back. Everything will be okay, no matter how hard it seems.

Kill them with kindness,
Little Jay