Lately I've been having that sinking feeling deep down in my heart, you know the one everyone experiences at one moment or another. The feeling of not being good enough. Sometimes I lay here on my bed, and question every aspect of my life. My friends, what I mean to them, my career choice, what I mean to family, do i really work that hard. Hours upon hours, I sit here in this silence, trying to fill it up with endless episodes of one tree hill, or even indulging myself in a amazing book (I've read two in three weeks... that's more than I've read since high school english class). Maybe that's my problem, I think too much. I overanalyze, I criticize and I overly invest my emotions in everything. Living with your heart on your sleeve, isn't the greatest. I try to hold this tough facade, this shell. But really, I'm just as soft and vulnerable beneath it. I try to sent subtle messages, for someone to reach out but they are never really received. To be honest, only one person has continually tried and for the most part succeeded, and I love him with my whole heart for that, I don't know where I'd be without him. He's the one person I've literally told everything to. Maybe that's because over time I've pushed people away, and in the past nine months he's continued to try get me back. He keeps me sane, honestly.
Change in train of thought. I just have this gut feeling in my stomach, that something is going to go wrong soon, and I don't know with what. Maybe I'll lose another friend (isn't that what happens after high school?), or maybe my mom will have one of her fits (fits that a current slim population of one know about -- him again). I don't know. I'm usually not wrong about these horrible gut feelings, but I guess time will tell right?
Lately, I've also been wondering my purpose in life. What am I supposed to do? Why am I here, in this place, in this moment. Sometimes I think it's to save a life, but millions of people do that everyday. I don't know. Maybe I'm feeling this way because of being hopped up on cough medicine from my cold and a lack of sleep (since it is 2 am...). Just, I feel like my whole life right now is a big fat "I don't know". But I do know one thing; I never want to lose him. Does that make me pitiful? I've never depended on someone this much, or invested my emotions to this extent in any relationship. I can't imagine it falling apart. It scares me a little, really. I'm not sure if this blog post even makes any sense. I just feel a little scatterbrained, and I know if I didn't get this out I wouldn't sleep. Well then, here your have it... for your relatablitity (is that even a word?) or even entertainment. Insight into the dirty laundry going on inside my head.
December 28, 2011
December 25, 2011
merry christmas
So Christmas is supposed to be about cheer, family and celebration!
Well, I'm definitely trying to be as cheery as possible with this impossibly horrible head cold/sinus infection I have going on. However, this spontaneous shortcoming hasn't wavered my gratefulness towards my family, friends, dog and boyfriend. I could not be more thankful for the people in my life, and honestly, I could've gone without presents (except maybe my aloe socks and super-soft blanket keeping my warm in this sick state). The best present is the people around me being happy, healthy and having all their wishes come true. I would be no where without them, and I think they deserve all the best.
Count your blessings today, and be thankful for the good things in your life, and try to overlook the bad (since I know not every home situation is perfect). I sincerely hope from the bottom of my heart everyone got what they wished for, and also for you brave ones going boxing day shopping, be safe! It's a rampage out there!
Much love and many blessings,
Merry Christmas! & Happy Holidays!
Little Jay
Well, I'm definitely trying to be as cheery as possible with this impossibly horrible head cold/sinus infection I have going on. However, this spontaneous shortcoming hasn't wavered my gratefulness towards my family, friends, dog and boyfriend. I could not be more thankful for the people in my life, and honestly, I could've gone without presents (except maybe my aloe socks and super-soft blanket keeping my warm in this sick state). The best present is the people around me being happy, healthy and having all their wishes come true. I would be no where without them, and I think they deserve all the best.
Count your blessings today, and be thankful for the good things in your life, and try to overlook the bad (since I know not every home situation is perfect). I sincerely hope from the bottom of my heart everyone got what they wished for, and also for you brave ones going boxing day shopping, be safe! It's a rampage out there!
Much love and many blessings,
Merry Christmas! & Happy Holidays!
Little Jay
December 12, 2011
Do YOUR best
It's still finals week, and I found myself thinking. I've been trying to set myself against everyone else's standards, that being, individuals with crazy marks on exams that I have no idea how they passed. I mean, 100 on an Anatomy midterm? I'm sorry, but I'm not Albert Einstein, and I don't want to be.
I work hard. I slave around my textbooks for hours and only frustrate myself because I can't remember what everyone else can. I throw aside my very hard-earned 70s and beat myself up about it because, god forbid it wasn't an 80 or 90. Maybe I haven't worked as hard as I could, I'll admit that. There have been days where I chose friends over textbooks, but I never regret those days. Even though I'm 18, I'm still a kid. We're all still kids. Sure, legally we're adults but last time I checked it's eight-TEEN. I've realized that maybe, I won't know every single body part and every single disease, but I have the heart for what I'm studying and the passion to save lives and help people. Working myself up about school and marks, it's made me lose sight of why I came into this program in the first place.
I have to do what I AM able to, and not put myself up to anyone else's standards. I'm not a robot, I'm human. And you know what? 70 is the new 80. ;)
I work hard. I slave around my textbooks for hours and only frustrate myself because I can't remember what everyone else can. I throw aside my very hard-earned 70s and beat myself up about it because, god forbid it wasn't an 80 or 90. Maybe I haven't worked as hard as I could, I'll admit that. There have been days where I chose friends over textbooks, but I never regret those days. Even though I'm 18, I'm still a kid. We're all still kids. Sure, legally we're adults but last time I checked it's eight-TEEN. I've realized that maybe, I won't know every single body part and every single disease, but I have the heart for what I'm studying and the passion to save lives and help people. Working myself up about school and marks, it's made me lose sight of why I came into this program in the first place.
I have to do what I AM able to, and not put myself up to anyone else's standards. I'm not a robot, I'm human. And you know what? 70 is the new 80. ;)
December 6, 2011
i just ran out of band aids
While trying to study today, I started thinking about my past and would have done differently. If I had known how things played out, what would I tell my younger self? Granted, I'm only 18 and have barely broken into adulthood, but just like every human being I've made mistakes, I've had realizations (hell, look back at old blog posts, I rant about them), and just really wanted to get them down for my sanity's sake, but if it helps someone else then that's even better. These are in no particular order.
You will survive.
I've learnt that anything happening in the present now, is mostly minuscule compared to what the future holds. The fight with your friend over, let's say a boy just for shits and giggles, isn't going to affect you for the rest of your life. Hate to break it to you. I know especially in high school, I thought fights with my friends were the end of the world. Some of them would even alter my ability at school. Frankly, I look back and I'm like "seriously? are you kidding me?" Honestly I can't even remember what most of the fights were over and who even got angry first, and this is just in the first year I've lived outside of high school. I feel like people go into high school and believe that THAT is life. We're all immature at that age, we haven't seen the world much beyond the four walls of a classroom and a projector telling us what we should learn. High school is from age maybe, 14 to 18. There is so much to life beyond that, so much. I've already realized that within six months of graduation. I can rant about this all day.
It may feel like your heartbreak is killing you, but you'll live to love again.
I haven't had very many relationships, but heartbreak isn't just from a boy/girl. Heart break comes from family, friends, losing someone or even losing sight of yourself. Your heart will break several times throughout your life, and sometimes it'll cause your life to fall apart. But it goes on, it really does. I can't stress that enough. You will find happiness again, you will be back on your own two feet, and maybe no one can give you that except yourself.
People come into your life for a season, reason or a lifetime.
We always think the people who come into our lives will be here forever, but they won't. Some people come and go as fast as seasons change. They walk in and out of our lives in merely a blink. Other people come into your life just as quick, but act as a lesson, the "reason". They teach you something sometimes without even you realizing it. It's hard to recognize these people, as I can only really do it when I'm looking back, and it's honestly heartbreaking to not see some of them anymore, or have really no idea where they went. If you're lucky, the people you want to stay in your life forever, are there for a lifetime.
Let the pieces fall how they're supposed to.
As much as we try, we really can't control our destiny and fate. Stop fighting it and go with flow and let things play out how they're supposed to. Maybe you don't agree with how it goes, but if it's in your playing cards how can you stop it? Some things in our lives we have control over, our decisions and choices. But if you're meant to be with someone, you will be with them. If you're meant to be somewhere for something, you'll be there. Sometimes some of the most important parts of your life come when you arn't expecting them, or even looking for them.
Don't take things for granted: Cherish every moment, with every person. It doesn't matter who it is, you never know when it could be the last time you ever see them.
This is so true. Sometimes I find myself sitting on the train home and think, "what if something happened, right now? would I have told everyone I love that I love them? Would I be satisfied with my life and where I am?", but just as quick as it comes, the moment goes. But really, think about it. Telling people you love them is personally, the single-handedly most important thing. You never know when you'll see them again, or even if they'll see you. Don't go to sleep mad, don't hold a grudge because in the long run, you'll regret it when you realize you can't take back what you said to them.
Apologize.
Swallow your damn pride for once, and admit your wrong. I have the biggest problem admitting I'm at fault, and sucking up enough to actually whole heartedly apologize and not half-ass it. Looking back, if I had just really apologized for some things I did or said when I needed too, high school probably would've been a bit easier. I'm too hard headed.
Jealousy really is an ugly green monster.
Cherish what you have and don't envy what others have, this goes for material items and everything else. Count your blessings, count your accomplishments, I guarantee there's a number of them no matter how big or small. Being jealous of other people has tainted some of my best friendships, and creates a wall between some of my best friends and I, when it really shouldn't be there. Do the best YOU can, and not at the standard at everyone else.
Happiness is the best revenge.
I'm not a spiteful person, I don't wish any bad on anyone. But I'll admit I've secretly looked at people and wished for a magical piano to fall from the sky and crush them to smithereens, but then I learnt it you can be happy, that's the best way to get back at someone and no longer be affected. Happiness drives people crazy, everyones looking for it and once you find it... it's the best way to get back at the people who've hurt you; without you further hurting yourself or becoming to their level. Be the bigger person.
I have more, and there very might be a sequel to this post but I hope this helped someone. :) I really do.
Keep your chin up and your shoulders back. Everything will be okay, no matter how hard it seems.
Kill them with kindness,
Little Jay
You will survive.
I've learnt that anything happening in the present now, is mostly minuscule compared to what the future holds. The fight with your friend over, let's say a boy just for shits and giggles, isn't going to affect you for the rest of your life. Hate to break it to you. I know especially in high school, I thought fights with my friends were the end of the world. Some of them would even alter my ability at school. Frankly, I look back and I'm like "seriously? are you kidding me?" Honestly I can't even remember what most of the fights were over and who even got angry first, and this is just in the first year I've lived outside of high school. I feel like people go into high school and believe that THAT is life. We're all immature at that age, we haven't seen the world much beyond the four walls of a classroom and a projector telling us what we should learn. High school is from age maybe, 14 to 18. There is so much to life beyond that, so much. I've already realized that within six months of graduation. I can rant about this all day.
It may feel like your heartbreak is killing you, but you'll live to love again.
I haven't had very many relationships, but heartbreak isn't just from a boy/girl. Heart break comes from family, friends, losing someone or even losing sight of yourself. Your heart will break several times throughout your life, and sometimes it'll cause your life to fall apart. But it goes on, it really does. I can't stress that enough. You will find happiness again, you will be back on your own two feet, and maybe no one can give you that except yourself.
People come into your life for a season, reason or a lifetime.
We always think the people who come into our lives will be here forever, but they won't. Some people come and go as fast as seasons change. They walk in and out of our lives in merely a blink. Other people come into your life just as quick, but act as a lesson, the "reason". They teach you something sometimes without even you realizing it. It's hard to recognize these people, as I can only really do it when I'm looking back, and it's honestly heartbreaking to not see some of them anymore, or have really no idea where they went. If you're lucky, the people you want to stay in your life forever, are there for a lifetime.
Let the pieces fall how they're supposed to.
As much as we try, we really can't control our destiny and fate. Stop fighting it and go with flow and let things play out how they're supposed to. Maybe you don't agree with how it goes, but if it's in your playing cards how can you stop it? Some things in our lives we have control over, our decisions and choices. But if you're meant to be with someone, you will be with them. If you're meant to be somewhere for something, you'll be there. Sometimes some of the most important parts of your life come when you arn't expecting them, or even looking for them.
Don't take things for granted: Cherish every moment, with every person. It doesn't matter who it is, you never know when it could be the last time you ever see them.
This is so true. Sometimes I find myself sitting on the train home and think, "what if something happened, right now? would I have told everyone I love that I love them? Would I be satisfied with my life and where I am?", but just as quick as it comes, the moment goes. But really, think about it. Telling people you love them is personally, the single-handedly most important thing. You never know when you'll see them again, or even if they'll see you. Don't go to sleep mad, don't hold a grudge because in the long run, you'll regret it when you realize you can't take back what you said to them.
Apologize.
Swallow your damn pride for once, and admit your wrong. I have the biggest problem admitting I'm at fault, and sucking up enough to actually whole heartedly apologize and not half-ass it. Looking back, if I had just really apologized for some things I did or said when I needed too, high school probably would've been a bit easier. I'm too hard headed.
Jealousy really is an ugly green monster.
Cherish what you have and don't envy what others have, this goes for material items and everything else. Count your blessings, count your accomplishments, I guarantee there's a number of them no matter how big or small. Being jealous of other people has tainted some of my best friendships, and creates a wall between some of my best friends and I, when it really shouldn't be there. Do the best YOU can, and not at the standard at everyone else.
Happiness is the best revenge.
I'm not a spiteful person, I don't wish any bad on anyone. But I'll admit I've secretly looked at people and wished for a magical piano to fall from the sky and crush them to smithereens, but then I learnt it you can be happy, that's the best way to get back at someone and no longer be affected. Happiness drives people crazy, everyones looking for it and once you find it... it's the best way to get back at the people who've hurt you; without you further hurting yourself or becoming to their level. Be the bigger person.
I have more, and there very might be a sequel to this post but I hope this helped someone. :) I really do.
Keep your chin up and your shoulders back. Everything will be okay, no matter how hard it seems.
Kill them with kindness,
Little Jay
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