for the love of a daughter

Sometimes when I start to get inside my head, I find it almost impossible to get back out. Sometimes I just get so lost in my emotions that I don't even know what I'm feeling, if that makes any sense.

I can only breakdown in front of one person in my whole family: my dad. I've never met someone so carefree and happy, or someone who is such a hard worker. He works so hard and so far away that since as long as I can remember (back into grade 3 or so) I've seen him on an every two week schedule, ie. he's working 10-14 days, he comes home for 2-3. Now I know I'm not one to complain, compared to military families who have to go without their family members for months at a time, I've got it pretty good. Sometimes if the stars align and we're lucky, my dad even has a job near the city and can be at home for a few months. But instead of getting easier, I feel like him being away just gets harder. Maybe it's because as things intensify with my mom I miss him being around as my support system and my saving grace. My dad is very much "push the bird out of the nest and make them fly" while my mom is very "as she gets older, tighten the leash", and without my dad peacekeeping among us; it's this never ending struggle of me trying to claim my independence while my mother tries to fit me back into being a four year old. It's just getting a little tiring to face it by myself.

I don't blame my mom, I know that she loves me and I honestly wish I could have the relationship I have with my dad, with her. And while our relationship has improved slightly, it's still lacking and I just can't figure out what to do to keep moving forward. With my dad it's easy: I don't even have to say anything, he just knows.

I just miss him -- alot. That's all. 

let it be, let it be

Sometimes  I sit and think of how much has changed in the past few years of my life; how much I've changed. In high school I don't think I could've been any more naive. I've always wanted the best for the people around me and never wished less than my best intentions in my friendships and relationships, but it never occurred me that people could use other people as a time card: check in when you need something, check out when you're done.

Now in high school this concept applied slightly, but not much since everyone saw everyone almost everyday of the week. But since graduating a year ago, I couldn't have witnessed this more. I'm the kind of person that likes to be on good terms with everyone, making sure everyone is okay, that they know they have someone to talk to and ultimately, I sincerely felt it was my job to hold "the group" together. Let me tell you this was exhausting physically, mentally and emotionally. One of the hardest things, if not the hardest, I've had to learn since graduation was laissez-faire just let it be. Let it be. Let the people who want to talk to me, talk to me. Let the people who want to make the effort, make that effort. Let those who want to be in my life, IN my life and those who don't, just let them go. I'm not going to lie, I struggled a lot feeling distant from my friends and isolated, even though in reality I wasn't but a person can't control how they feel. I cried, I got angry, I had hissy fits; I did all the stereotypical-emotional girl things. I would graciously open my arms to the people in my life who needed me, be there for them, then sit there confused when they would walk out again and disappear for awhile, then re-appear when something else went wrong. Needless to say, I caught on eventually.

I'm not saying I won't help those who come to  me. I think there will always be that part inside of me that will need or even want to help them, and that is always who I'll be. But I've come to a happy medium of keeping those who make the effort with me around more often. My friends circle decreased significantly, but that doesn't bother me in the slightest. Relationships (friendships, love, family) should be easy. They shouldn't make you feel like shit about yourself, they shouldn't be destructive, unhealthy, high maitnence: they should just be. They are meant for support, love, strength and providing confidence and encouragement in your life. Relationships have hiccups, but if its 90% bad and 10% good... you might want to re-evaluate. It's better to have those true few, then a plethora of fakes.