technology brings memories

My grandpa passed away when I was three. I only have one vivid memory of him, and it is walking into my grandma's house in Portugal, and my grandpa being at the door to the kitchen in his wheelchair. He had turned his head to see my cousins Noemia, Sara and I walking in from a day at the river swimming. He smiled. Ironically, that is the only memory all three of us share, or remember. Recently I found a youtube video, that his friend had put up. I didn't remember how his voice sounded, but seeing him moving in a video, before his disease was... heart-breaking? I don't remember him much, as I've said before, but it still hurts to see my mom sometimes wipe away a tear, or wonder what if would have been like if he really had lived, and hadn't been so stubborn to not take his medication. I know he watches over me and my family, but that doesn't keep me from wondering. I love you Grandpa, I hope you're not in pain or unhappy.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RdFPS2uGDxo



No one rarely goes into your wine cellar anymore in Portugal, it was yours. I love you.

happy birthday to mee!

Hello, it's my 17th birthday! :) yay!
It's been a good day so far. But that's not what I'm going to blog about today!

In Religion class, we're watching the movie Patch Adams. This movie, single-handedly, explains why I want to go into the medical feild. I want to connect with people. I want to help them. I want to be their friend, and take their mind off their pain and suffering.
I have an interview to volunteer at Alberta Hosptital next week, I'm super excited. I also want to volunteer at a seniors home near my home, and also at the pediatrics ward in a hospital. But unfortunately, I called the hospital and they said they weren't recruiting right now, so I have to try again in January.

Oh well!
ttyl,
little jay :)

72 hours to seventeen.

So, it's my birthday in 3 days.
I decided to do a little blog before I jet off to work at 5:30.
It occured to me that this year, I graduate. I'm kind of a slow person in realizing things, like for example, in grade 10 it didn't really OCCUR to me we were in grade 10 until the graduation of the senior class that year...... yup, 10 months and it never occured to me.
I feel like time flew by way too fast. I feel like I should've done things, but I didn't. I feel like I have alot of regrets. I'm not really a believer on the whole "live life with no regrets" TOOOO a certain. extent. I just wish I could have known better, you know? I wish I had been one of those people that set out a plan for myself, a goal. I never really did that until this year, and this year my marks are killer and school is going primarily great. Before I just slacked, and I really wish I hadn't.
I kind of wish I wasn't as shy, well no, not shy. But not afraid to do things. That instead of waiting, waiting and waiting for things to happen, sitting there taking a number, I should have MADE them happen. Patience didn't really get me anywhere other than being irritated that things promised DIDN'T happen. I don't want to make promises anymore, and I'm not saying that in a pessimistic way. A promise, for me, is something heavy. It's not just thrown out there for me. I will admit, that sometimes I did just say I promise because I thought I would, but then things change, opinions change, and things don't go as planned. I've broken alot of promises this year, in the span of like a month and a half, and I know I've hurt people because of it, and I'm sorry for that. I know that I hate when people make me promises and don't keep them, so my rule of law from this moment on is to NOT make a promise, unless with 200% of every fibre in my body will keep it; because that person deserves that much if the thing is so important to them for they to ask you to promise.

ANYYYYYYYYWAY, let's talk about life.
I'm stuck on two post-secondary schools. Both has spectacular programs, Gmac and U of A.
I'm going to apply to both, but I have to actually CHOOSE one sooner than later. Why is getting to "real life" so difficult? :( Mama is calling me to eat, I'll blog again soon.

peace and blessings,
little jay

tick tock, time flies

This year is crazy. I'm serious. I've never been so overwhelmed in my life, and it seems like my to-do list just keeps growing and growing and growing.
I'm doing alot of volunteering this year, then also I'm working 4 night a week (definately changing it to 3), and then I have to keep my marks above 85. Then add in all the post-secondary stuff, and searching for scholarships, I'm beat.
Not going to lie, I kind of miss grade 10 where I thought everything was crazy and hectic. Or maybe even grade 3. Does anyone wanna zap me back to third grade? KINDERGARDEN. I. freaking. loved. Kindergarden. LOL!
Anyway, this is just a little update blog on the possibility of me not blogging as much.
Ciao, I hope to write soon!
little jay


(watch.... in like a couple hours.... i'll be blogging again....)

insomnia does this to you.

It's yet again, another late blog post. What can I say, I think when I'm laying in bed.
I know I haven't blogged since my last kind of "epiphany" blog about things I really need to change about myself, particularily because I really just didn't know what to do with it. I bared my soul practically, on the internet, and pointed out my biggest flaws. How do I really move on from that? I'm going to be honest with you, I don't know. I really don't. It's like... a new road, and I'm going mapless. This whole changing myself thing is mapless really. I just know where my desination is to be, how I get there is a different story.

You know what? Maybe the point is never to reach the destination. People are always changing, the world is always changing, EVERYTHING is always changing. We go through phases and fads like it's no ones buisness. As we grow older (not saying I'm old LOL!), styles change, and we gain opinions and ideas. Things are always just changing. I don't even know if this rant has a point. Maybe I'm just rambling now. Yes, definately rambling. But shouldn't we be always changing too?

Anyway, I'm going to go to sleep, I logged on with an important idea, but I forgot it amongst the ramble. I'll write tomorrow hopefully, and it should come back to me with sleeeeeeeep.

dreamland bound,
little jay

midnight realizations.

It's late, and I have a biology exam tomorrow.
But I know that if I don't make this blog post right now I:
a) probably never will or
b) not be able to sleep.

I've said before I know the kind of person I want to be. But I never sit and think of the person I really am right now, and what I need to change.

I push people away. I love my mom, but I don't want to be become like her bad-side. She pushes people away, and shuts them down. She expects people to just magically know what's wrong with her. She will shut someone out completely until they leave her life; I've seen her do it. I refuse to cry infront of people, and I don't even know why. I'm used to being the one people go to for support. I'm used to being the person that acts as structure to hold things together. I'm so used to it that when I feel the need to cry, or open up, I wait until I'm alone.
I have a fear of confrontation. I hate confrontation, and I don't think I've really admitted it out-loud. When there's an argument, I give up. I suck at proving points even if I'm in the right, and I'm so terrified of losing people or getting people angry at me that I try to avoid it all together. I like to put a bandaid on things and hope they go away, but soon enough you need to rip the bandaid off, and the sting is even worse than before.
I'm Sensitive. This normally isn't a bad thing, but it's overpowering for me. It's ridiculous, but I will break up inside over anything. I always have a need to cry, or fighting back tears (that feeling in your throat) over meaningless little things. The second someone calls me something and has something to justify it, I doubt myself to the point I trick myself to believe that I really am what they say I am.
I swallow my emotions. I will sit there, and for weeks hold in my anger or feelings. I get sidetracked with them, and don't deal with them. Then it gets to the point that it's such a mess, that I can't even tell them apart and no one can help. I dig myself a hole so deep, that even I don't even know the way out. I will hold and hold and hold until everything suddenly breaks over the stupidest thing.
I give up to easily. I never used to give up easily, but when things started getting harder, I'd just give up. I don't know why, and maybe sometimes, just sometimes, I could justify to myself why I did, but by then so much time would've passed that it wouldn't even matter anymore.
I bite my tongue. Normally, this would be good. But I have a tendency to speak when I shouldn't, and stay quiet when I should be objecting.
I'm a bitch. I try to get back at people if they hurt me. Maybe not even intentionally, and sometimes I don't even go through with it. But I think it. And thinking it is just as worse.

I know there's more, but every one after this really just relates back to the first two in some way shape or form. I'm a coward, and I never really admited it. I have to face my fears, it's part of maturing. I'm calling myself on the crap I've done, realized who I DON'T want to be, and am moving on hopefully in the right direction. I know I'll have speedbumps, I'm a teenager, it's natural. I kind of feel like I've had an epiphany, as corny as that sounds. I kind of feel a little... happy, to realize these things. Does that make me sick? Or just happy to finally come to terms with who I am, so I can finally move on? Who knows, maybe it's even the meds I'm on for my tonsilitis mixed with buckley's. I'm off to sleepland though, good night world.

alittle more personal.

I made this blog to talk about things that are important to me.
So here I go.

Dear _________,
Maybe you'll get pissed off that I'm blogging about this, or maybe not. I don't even know if you'll see this, or even if you'll care. I don't know. Everytime I try to talk about what I need to say, you turn things to you and I never get what I want to say out. Then I know that when I do say what I have to say, you won't believe me because that's just how you are. So in the end, it sucks for both of us because I never get to get my point across, and you never get to hear what you want.
This way, I'll have no interuptions.
First of all, you think you mattered nothing to me. You did, you mattered alot. It's why when you called me things I knew I wasn't, or blamed me for things I didn't do I would cry.
You have this idea that I'm a complete bitch in your mind, that all I wanted was to get in, and hurt you. Atleast that's the feeling I get. Well, you're wrong.
You had a way of making things that seemed important to me become stupid or meaningless, and when I would tell you something in confidence, later on you would use it against me in one of our stupid arguments over meaningless things. I didn't purposely do what I did, or even if I did something. I tried to be a good friend, I really truly did. I didn't want things in highschool to be how they were in junior high for you, because I knew what had happened.
I understand why you're angry at all of us (I'm not naming names.), but you also need to truly understand what you did to hurt us. But this, right now in this blog post, is about me.
I knew you were trying, I did. But even trying, you still did it over stupid things. You would say I never apologized when I would, interpret my intentions one way while I meant the other. It felt like you always were looking for the bad thing, the negative, in me. You said I never told you how I felt, well here it is, all of it now. I never said anything to you like how you would say to me during our fights, because I didn't want you to feel how I was feeling. I'd get angry enough to sometimes slip up, but I never wanted you to feel like nothing how I did when you called me things I wasn't. I'm the kind of person that will hold onto things, hoping they get better, knowing bad doesn't always last, but it's grade 12, and I can't CAN'T go through anymore name-calling or dumb arguments. Over the limo, I didn't have anything to do with it, over the "vote" to kick you out, I don't even KNOW if there was a vote. All I said, was that it was stupid you were willing to not come with us because of one other person who would sit on the opposite side of the limo. I didn't blow it up. I dropped out of planning safe-grad because you again thought I was doing all this stuff I wasn't. I dropped out to avoid drama, and to avoid arguments on my last year because the last year is supposed to be the best. I didn't do it to piss you off. What pissed ME off was you thought I was planning everything without peoples consent, or being controlling when really, I was just waiting for our stupid meeting the next week. I wasn't going to take credit for "your idea", all I did was talk to people I should about it. It was stupid when you were blaming me for everything when I dropped out, and calling me all that stuff and saying if safe grad fell through it was my fault because I "royally fucked up". I had nothing, and you saw that when you took over.
I did make alot of mistakes, and I apologize for them. I can't remember them all, but I am sorry.
I'm sorry if I was a horrible friend, I didn't intend to be. I didn't intend to hurt you, I hate hurting people, and I never wanted you to be one of the people I hurt the most. But things didn't pan out how they panned out because of everyone else, I just can't anymore. Maybe that's a pathetic reason, and it's probably what you're thinking, but I can't. I'm not writing this to cause a fight, or even to make peace. I don't want this to make you angry, and if it does, just tell me and I'll just delete it. I'm not writing this to make you feel like your the bad guy again, but you let me know everything I did, so it's my turn to write how I felt. But I just want to say I'm sorry that I can't, that I can't continue something like this, although some times were amazing, others you don't even want to know what went through my head okay? I'm still here if you need anything.
Joana.

like a broken record

I kind of feel disappointed, but I can't exactly explain why.
I also don't really feel like having a birthday party, because I know it'll just result in drama, and people may say that girls "secretly" crave drama: I'm not one of them.

It's kind of disappointing that people have swooped down so low and resulted to calling people names like bitch or slut, or just trying to sabbotage their school year. I'm not going to lie, I've been that low and I've done those things. Maybe someone will call me hypocritical for writing about this, but arn't we all hypocrites? Opinions change, beleifs change, situations change, as much as people will avoid it and try to push it away, as time goes on everything changes in one way or another. I don't think people should be called hypocritical, because at some point your life, you've been one too. Would YOU have enjoyed someone calling you that?

Someone's status on facebook the other day was something like: "treat others the way you want to be treated; because if you're a bitch Karma will be one too."
I know my blog posts, majority of them, come back to this idea of treating other the way you want to be treated. But it's the truth. I cannot emphasis on that enough. It's the new mentality I'm seeing things with. In a previous blog, I mentioned that I was over the drama that exists in highschool. It's true, I am. We, high schoolers, expect people to treat us like adults. But yet, we act like we're back in elementary towards eachother. Does that really make sense? It doesn't to me, and maybe this is just my opinion, but if my generation stopped being so thick-headed, they'd see it too. ONE person has to be the bigger person and just get over it. It takes two to tango but if one person just walks away, the dance is over. LOL, like my metaphor?

It's so hard to write about this, because I honestly don't really know where I'm going with it. I think I'm just going to stop here, gather my thoughts, do the stuff I have to do today, then maybe come back later and finish off this blog.
My point? treat others the way you want to be treated. It's repetitive, but I think we should get t-shirts.
coughing away,
little jay

have no idea what this blog is about.........

I'm taking a quick study break from Biology.
My sickness got worse, and today I discovered I have tonsilitis.
The doctor said it would be best for me to stay home tomorrow, but I hate missing school. I mean, I do love the whole sleeping in thing, but I really hate getting behind in classes and having to learn things myself while learning other things at the same time.
I don't really have anything to blog about...
My throat feels like I have two rocks just chillin' in there.
My head feels like there's a thousand bricks just sitting ontop of it.
My face feels like it's been punched in.
I am freezing cold, typing this in a wool sweater with sweatpants where outside it's bright and sunny.
This royally sucks.

I really love working at Earls, it's so different then my old job. I love the friends I've made there, and being a hostess talking to so many different people. I can't wait until I turn 18 and can begin serving there too! This past Sunday we held a Lobster Gala Cancer Charity event, it was so fun. In the end we raised over 8,000 for the Cross Cancer Institute here in Edmonton, and it was amazing.

What else can I talk about...
I'm eating Kraft Dinner right now... a little snack pack one until supper.
I'm watching my mom wrestle with her oven rack as she scrubs it, my comedy of the night.

OH MY GOD, ONE TREE HILL COMES ON TONIGHT!
For those of you who don't know, I absolutely love One Tree Hill. It is the one show that can make me laugh until I pee my pants, or bawl until I'm a hiccuping mess. I proudly own all the released 7 seasons, and faithfully watch Season 8 on Tuesdays. :) One Tree Hill and Pretty Little Liars are my two all time favorite shows.
Oh, I also quite enjoy bridal shows and extreme makeover and what not to wear.

I love how this blog is completely random, it's ridiculous.
Meiosis is calling my name,
little jay

rambles of realizations

See, I said I'd try to blog before bed and I am indeed. :)
My bed sheets feel as if I'm sleeping wrapped up in a teddy bear. They're awesome and fuzzy.
ANYWAY,
I feel like things are going to be okay this year.
I mean every year has it's bumps and curves, and it's random stop signs, but in the end you get to the same place you want to be. I'm not saying this year has been easy at all, because there have been some tough times even in the past month, but you know my mentality? It's high school. In 10, 20 hell maybe even in 5 years, I'll be looking back and laughing at my choices, or things I got completely angry about that were really just stupid. There is so much AFTER high school that there is no point in just sitting and sulking about what happens in these small insignificant three years of your life.
Well, not insignificant, because alot of your future is shaped by the choices you make now, but the small things that we all sweat over; boys, clothes, parties, bitch-fits, drama, it all just won't matter when we get our diplomas in June. We move on, and conquer new things.
I'm over the name calling and dramatic bitch-fits. Over the bullshit and boy-crazy mentality. I really, honestly and truly, just don't care anymore. If you don't like my shoes, then don't look at them. If you don't like my opinion on something, too bad, it's called an opinion for a reason. We are all people, and all individually different.
I'm not angry at anyone, simply just indifferent. I'm not going to waste my energy and time being angry at stupid things, rather I'm going to try anyway. No promises there, I could slip up a few times.
I sort of feel... at peace, with myself. I know what I want now, and I'm going for it. I know what person I want to be, and I'll make it there. I'm working hard, and I know it'll pay off.
I have no idea even if this blog post makes sense really, but my mind is pacing so fast that I felt like I had to get it all down. I'm pretty sure I forgot some points along the way, but oh well, it'll come to me at some point and I'll blog about it then. I'm going to get some sleep though loves.

when life hands you lemons, make your lemonade
little jay

I'm still alive, I swear.

I don't really have much to blog about these days, my life has been very repetitive.
Here's the schedule:

• work
• sleep (I'm still not getting enough)
• school

I'm serious! LOL, it's kind of depressing actually. I have barely any time for anything else, but I know that when my grades are killer and my debit card is loaded (New York people.) It'll all pay off.

I know I've been slacking intensely with this blog, but really. I just don't know what to write about these days! I thought about starting a new story, but my head has been so tired from the lack of sleep that I haven't even decided if I want to or not. Then I thought about maybe adding some videos to my youtube account, but then realized that my camera doesn't focus and it would be extremely time consuming with filming and editing. Anyways, I have loads of homework to do. Maybe if I have time and strength later I'll blog again.

little jay