midnight realizations.

It's late, and I have a biology exam tomorrow.
But I know that if I don't make this blog post right now I:
a) probably never will or
b) not be able to sleep.

I've said before I know the kind of person I want to be. But I never sit and think of the person I really am right now, and what I need to change.

I push people away. I love my mom, but I don't want to be become like her bad-side. She pushes people away, and shuts them down. She expects people to just magically know what's wrong with her. She will shut someone out completely until they leave her life; I've seen her do it. I refuse to cry infront of people, and I don't even know why. I'm used to being the one people go to for support. I'm used to being the person that acts as structure to hold things together. I'm so used to it that when I feel the need to cry, or open up, I wait until I'm alone.
I have a fear of confrontation. I hate confrontation, and I don't think I've really admitted it out-loud. When there's an argument, I give up. I suck at proving points even if I'm in the right, and I'm so terrified of losing people or getting people angry at me that I try to avoid it all together. I like to put a bandaid on things and hope they go away, but soon enough you need to rip the bandaid off, and the sting is even worse than before.
I'm Sensitive. This normally isn't a bad thing, but it's overpowering for me. It's ridiculous, but I will break up inside over anything. I always have a need to cry, or fighting back tears (that feeling in your throat) over meaningless little things. The second someone calls me something and has something to justify it, I doubt myself to the point I trick myself to believe that I really am what they say I am.
I swallow my emotions. I will sit there, and for weeks hold in my anger or feelings. I get sidetracked with them, and don't deal with them. Then it gets to the point that it's such a mess, that I can't even tell them apart and no one can help. I dig myself a hole so deep, that even I don't even know the way out. I will hold and hold and hold until everything suddenly breaks over the stupidest thing.
I give up to easily. I never used to give up easily, but when things started getting harder, I'd just give up. I don't know why, and maybe sometimes, just sometimes, I could justify to myself why I did, but by then so much time would've passed that it wouldn't even matter anymore.
I bite my tongue. Normally, this would be good. But I have a tendency to speak when I shouldn't, and stay quiet when I should be objecting.
I'm a bitch. I try to get back at people if they hurt me. Maybe not even intentionally, and sometimes I don't even go through with it. But I think it. And thinking it is just as worse.

I know there's more, but every one after this really just relates back to the first two in some way shape or form. I'm a coward, and I never really admited it. I have to face my fears, it's part of maturing. I'm calling myself on the crap I've done, realized who I DON'T want to be, and am moving on hopefully in the right direction. I know I'll have speedbumps, I'm a teenager, it's natural. I kind of feel like I've had an epiphany, as corny as that sounds. I kind of feel a little... happy, to realize these things. Does that make me sick? Or just happy to finally come to terms with who I am, so I can finally move on? Who knows, maybe it's even the meds I'm on for my tonsilitis mixed with buckley's. I'm off to sleepland though, good night world.