alittle more personal.

I made this blog to talk about things that are important to me.
So here I go.

Dear _________,
Maybe you'll get pissed off that I'm blogging about this, or maybe not. I don't even know if you'll see this, or even if you'll care. I don't know. Everytime I try to talk about what I need to say, you turn things to you and I never get what I want to say out. Then I know that when I do say what I have to say, you won't believe me because that's just how you are. So in the end, it sucks for both of us because I never get to get my point across, and you never get to hear what you want.
This way, I'll have no interuptions.
First of all, you think you mattered nothing to me. You did, you mattered alot. It's why when you called me things I knew I wasn't, or blamed me for things I didn't do I would cry.
You have this idea that I'm a complete bitch in your mind, that all I wanted was to get in, and hurt you. Atleast that's the feeling I get. Well, you're wrong.
You had a way of making things that seemed important to me become stupid or meaningless, and when I would tell you something in confidence, later on you would use it against me in one of our stupid arguments over meaningless things. I didn't purposely do what I did, or even if I did something. I tried to be a good friend, I really truly did. I didn't want things in highschool to be how they were in junior high for you, because I knew what had happened.
I understand why you're angry at all of us (I'm not naming names.), but you also need to truly understand what you did to hurt us. But this, right now in this blog post, is about me.
I knew you were trying, I did. But even trying, you still did it over stupid things. You would say I never apologized when I would, interpret my intentions one way while I meant the other. It felt like you always were looking for the bad thing, the negative, in me. You said I never told you how I felt, well here it is, all of it now. I never said anything to you like how you would say to me during our fights, because I didn't want you to feel how I was feeling. I'd get angry enough to sometimes slip up, but I never wanted you to feel like nothing how I did when you called me things I wasn't. I'm the kind of person that will hold onto things, hoping they get better, knowing bad doesn't always last, but it's grade 12, and I can't CAN'T go through anymore name-calling or dumb arguments. Over the limo, I didn't have anything to do with it, over the "vote" to kick you out, I don't even KNOW if there was a vote. All I said, was that it was stupid you were willing to not come with us because of one other person who would sit on the opposite side of the limo. I didn't blow it up. I dropped out of planning safe-grad because you again thought I was doing all this stuff I wasn't. I dropped out to avoid drama, and to avoid arguments on my last year because the last year is supposed to be the best. I didn't do it to piss you off. What pissed ME off was you thought I was planning everything without peoples consent, or being controlling when really, I was just waiting for our stupid meeting the next week. I wasn't going to take credit for "your idea", all I did was talk to people I should about it. It was stupid when you were blaming me for everything when I dropped out, and calling me all that stuff and saying if safe grad fell through it was my fault because I "royally fucked up". I had nothing, and you saw that when you took over.
I did make alot of mistakes, and I apologize for them. I can't remember them all, but I am sorry.
I'm sorry if I was a horrible friend, I didn't intend to be. I didn't intend to hurt you, I hate hurting people, and I never wanted you to be one of the people I hurt the most. But things didn't pan out how they panned out because of everyone else, I just can't anymore. Maybe that's a pathetic reason, and it's probably what you're thinking, but I can't. I'm not writing this to cause a fight, or even to make peace. I don't want this to make you angry, and if it does, just tell me and I'll just delete it. I'm not writing this to make you feel like your the bad guy again, but you let me know everything I did, so it's my turn to write how I felt. But I just want to say I'm sorry that I can't, that I can't continue something like this, although some times were amazing, others you don't even want to know what went through my head okay? I'm still here if you need anything.
Joana.