Sometimes when I start to get inside my head, I find it almost impossible to get back out. Sometimes I just get so lost in my emotions that I don't even know what I'm feeling, if that makes any sense.
I can only breakdown in front of one person in my whole family: my dad. I've never met someone so carefree and happy, or someone who is such a hard worker. He works so hard and so far away that since as long as I can remember (back into grade 3 or so) I've seen him on an every two week schedule, ie. he's working 10-14 days, he comes home for 2-3. Now I know I'm not one to complain, compared to military families who have to go without their family members for months at a time, I've got it pretty good. Sometimes if the stars align and we're lucky, my dad even has a job near the city and can be at home for a few months. But instead of getting easier, I feel like him being away just gets harder. Maybe it's because as things intensify with my mom I miss him being around as my support system and my saving grace. My dad is very much "push the bird out of the nest and make them fly" while my mom is very "as she gets older, tighten the leash", and without my dad peacekeeping among us; it's this never ending struggle of me trying to claim my independence while my mother tries to fit me back into being a four year old. It's just getting a little tiring to face it by myself.
I don't blame my mom, I know that she loves me and I honestly wish I could have the relationship I have with my dad, with her. And while our relationship has improved slightly, it's still lacking and I just can't figure out what to do to keep moving forward. With my dad it's easy: I don't even have to say anything, he just knows.
I just miss him -- alot. That's all.
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