words i'll never say.

Dear ________,
I wish you realized how hard I bust my ass off in everything to make you proud for even a single second. You say I don't do anything, I know compared to you it's little, but it's not nothing. For an average person in grade 12, I think I do alot. I volunteer twice a week, work 4 times a week until 10:30/11:30 just so you don't have to pay for any of my things. I'm saving towards a car, mac book, and my spending money in Europe all for YOU not to buy it for me. I study, manage a 93 in AP English, and study my ass off as hard as I can for Chemistry. I got into the best nursing school in North America to realize the dream you had as a pediatric nurse pracitioner. I do something, hoping for even the slightest smile. And all I get in return is a blow or insult. I'm not selfish. I haven't done something for MYSELF in a long time, I don't even remember the last thing I did for myself. I get barely any sleep from staying up either doing homework, studying or coming home late from work. You didn't even ask me how my valedictorian speech went. You know how much that meant to me, especially since I wasn't expecting to be nominated. You watched me sit around my computer trying to make the best speech I could.
People always tell me I'm this great person, that I'm going to go places and that I'm this or that. I never believe them because everytime I think I'm starting to be good enough, you shut me down and show me I'm not. I'm to the point I'm going to fall over exhausted because I am physically and mentally drained of trying so hard. I'm not even done high school yet and I already feel like this. I know I lash out at times, and sometimes don't do what you ask me to do right away, but I get it done. And when I do it, I don't half ass it. And even that isn't good enough for you. It's never good enough for you. I never will be. That's what it feels like anyway.
Sorry for the disappointment.
Joana.

homework does this.

hey homeskillets,
so I am writing this admist of finishing my 18 chapter analysis of Pride & Prejudice.
Yeah, you read that right, 18 chapters. I go to a catholic school, and when my english teacher pulled the "I won't give you alot of homework over the Easter Weekend" I thought she'd give us around 8 chapters.... 18.
I don't know what I'm blogging about today. I just want to ramble. My mind is eeeeevveerryywhheerreee.

Lalalalala.
Lights grow out and I can't be saavedd, Tides that I tried to swim againnnssttt!
Random Coldplay outburst.

I spent my weekend in Canmore with my famjam, my mom, dad and broski. Let's see if I mediate for a few seconds I can think of something intelligent to blog about...

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hehe, I used to do those all the time on msn. You guys must all think I'm high on something. IM HIGH ON LIIIIFFEE <3
here's story time with Joana about my childhood!
When I was mad, I would throw eggs at the road. My mom didn't think this was funny. I thought it was very therapeutic. I also tried to insulate eggs in my blankey in my closet in hopes I would have a little chicklet. I only learnt this year in Biology 30, that the eggs we eat are unfertilized...
There's no point to this blog. LOL.
I'm still aliveee! I wonder what it would be like to ride an alligator.
love love love,
little jay.

ps kids, don't do drugs. stay in school.

bearing the soul.

Days do get better. People need to believe that, we need to believe that things get better as time passes, and that the future is bright. Why is it a dying cancer patient can smile and hope for a cure that isn't coming, but someone living, breathing, healthy, who confronts some life problems can't see past the one road block? I'm not being naive, I know a small problem for me can be something life altering for someone else, but I also know that you never know what the future brings. I don't know if my family will win the lottery tomorrow, or if something devestating will happen that will completely alter my life and choices. Every downward spiral has it's way up, no matter how difficult. Every person has strength within themselves. Some see it and use it, others don't believe it's there, but it is. it is. Life is unexpected, no matter how much we try to plan and control it, it is uncontrollable. It is out of our hands. We can anally plan every minute in a day planner, with endless appointments, endless planned and thought out conversations with flashcards. But one event, one single moment can alter everything, and it will be something completely unplanned. If you hit rockbottom, there's a way up, because if there wasn't how would you have got there? I'm not saying you won't slip, I'm not saying it'll be easy, I'm not saying that it'll take one night, it's a journey. Everything is, and we don't have a map for it. Life isn't a geography class with planned routes and roads, predictable winding roads and hair-pin turns. We can only map out the past, and the moment we're in. The future is unknown. I guess that scares people, I know it scares me. I crap my pants thinking that next year I'm walking into university, without the safety net of high school and of knowing practically everyone for a long time. I may play it off that I'm confident about it, and ready. But boy am I not, I don't want to lose some of the people I've met in high school, I don't want to drift from the people I love dearly right now. In a way I yearn for the change, and for the new adventure, but that part of me wants things to remain in this exact moment, just for a little while. Time passes too fast. Its like I blinked in grade 8 with my health teacher saying "time passes fast, faster than you know it, you'll be graduating." Was he ever right. I don't even know where I'm going with this blogpost anymore, to be honest. blaaah, I wish people didn't give up. I wish they believed in a better day, I wish they had the strength to go on, and realize that life is unpredictable and that you never know if the next turn will be a good one... As Marilyn Monroe says, "I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so you learn to let go. Things go wrong so that you learn to appreciate them when they are right. You believe less so eventually you trust no one but yourself. And sometimes, good things fall apart for better things to fall together."

empire state of mind :)

So much happened on this trip I think it deserves a blog post.

The trip started out with everyone having to be at the airport at 4:30 am, :) then we flew from Edmonton to Toronto (good job Crystal, you survived your first airplane ride!) then Toronto to New York.

Can we discuss how ghetto the airport was? LOL but seeing so many taxi's made our lives. (Brittany, you squealed.)

We all piled into a bus and went to our hotel, which was in Korea Town. After dumping off our stuff, we took a tour around NYC seeing things like the Trump Tower, Central Park, John Lennon's Memorial (my personal favorite <3), Lincoln Centre, Madison Square Garden, and a ton of other things. For supper we went to Bubba Gumps, I'm sure they wanted to kick us out. LOL. Our table was jamming it out and singing :D.

Day two we went hard, started out with going to the Statue of Liberty, resulting in me almost flying away on the ferry because the wind was so strong and I decided being on the top deck would be a fantastic idea. We also took a picture with a guy dressed as the statue, who then demanded 5 dollars from us... After the Statue we went to Ellis Island, missing our original ferry time because people never know what time it is. Once we got back to Battery Park, there were 3 street dancer/performers/comedians who made us have front row seats because we were the "SPARTAAANS", due to this I was pulled into the performance. Yeah, great times. The guy told me that once I would go black, I'd never go back, but with being white I was aaaaaaalways right. ;) they were hilarious. They also pulled up Brittany as the "sexy white girl" they needed! LOL. One of the guys jumped over 5 of us, it was great. Later on we walked through Wall Street, saw the Stock Market, and then made our way to Ground Zero, which was under construction. It's going to be amazing when it opens and I'm definitely visiting when it does. :) That night we went to a Jazz restaurant where we were charged 66 dollars in pop. yup, pop. I guess no one gave us the memo on refills arn't free..... Did I mention that on the second day we decided that piling 14 people into an elevator would be a fantastic idea? Yeah, that happened. 14 people were stuck in an elevator for atleast 25 minutes because the front desk wouldn't answer the alarm sound and took forever to save us. LOL, quiiiiteee the experience.

Day three, we ventured over to Rockefeller Centre (can I mention that there are flowers? in New York?), and then had a tour around Radio City. We got to go on the stage, which was amazing considering all the famous and talented people who have performed on it! Afterwards, we had an intense shopping day on 5th Avenue, hitting up the 6 floored Forever 21 primarily, along with other stores. Macy's has 9 floors and two buildings, you can only imagine how overwhelmed it is to walk into it. And that there is also a washroom every two floors...... booking it to the washroom, right cm + bi + jc?! LOL

Day Four, was our tour at NBC studios and acting workshop with Thurman E. Scott. The tour was amazing, we got to see the studio where they film Dr. Oz (<3 i died), and the studio for Saturday Night Live! After the tour, we walked over to the workshop. It was quite the....experience. He had an awkward and odd way of getting us to become "better actors". His assistants were alittle over the top... there was this one excersise where we had to talk to our "negative self" and they were LOSINNNGG it, like telling them that they needed to be murdered and that they were bitches and sluts, LOL it was an awkward situation to overhear. That night was our first Broadway Show, RAIN. It was like seeing The Beatles in concert, my life was complete. I have never been so happy and screamed so much and sang along so hard, it was amazing. <3 <3 considering there arn't time machines, it was practically like seeing The Beatles. They sounded identical, I shit you not.

Day Five, we walked literally like, 20 km around Manhattan. hitting up places like CHINA TOWN! :) Jenna got hit on by a black man in McDonald's, apperantly she's a "squealer"! We walked over to the "white horse tavern" where Bob Dylan performed, Tanner was quite relieved in a cuban place where he left his communist shirt... (I won't reveal details tanner LOL) and where i also tripped over two curbs and walked into a parking meter. Later that night, we all got our fancy on and went to our second broadway show, Wicked. This show is SICK, I definitely want to see it again when it comes to the Jubilee. The set, the actors, the story line and their voices are absolutely mindblowing. I reccommend it to everyone and anyone. It's also hilarious, which I didn't expect at all =P.

Day Six, we went over to the Metropolitan Museum of Art, can I just say it's huuuuge? There's so many displays, and sadly this was the day our tour guide Louis (aka Yellowman) had left us with a woman who got us lost going to our hotel. I mean, no hate, but when we get used to yellowman talking and being so friendly and so informative, it's hard to walk behind a lady holding up an umbrella, giving no information and getting us lost. Afterwards, we walked over the United Nations and were given a tour. Our headphones had the worst static of life, i could hear the tourguide better with them off. But we got to see the conference rooms and everything the United Nations does, which was cool. :) It was also our final night at Bubba Gumps!

Day Seven, the last day.

It was mostly designated as a shopping day. EXCEPT, we were supposed to be on the Today Show! People were always late which lead us to missing our bus and not being able to get there on time. :( But we managed to subway by ourselves to Shoe Mania! Quite proud, not getting lost in New York City. :) It was sad leaving the hotel room, BUT IN OUR HOTEL ROOM WE FOUND "BLOOD" ON THE CURTAIN. Yeah, that's right people. Blood. It was questionable....

I want to thank everyone for making this trip, it was the highlight of my final year at O'Leary. It was great making new friendships, and rekindling friendships with cast family <3, being there with all you guys made every moment worth it. Our happy laughing moments, to our grumpy no-sleep moments (no names ;)), freeezing our butts off, getting seperated by ferries, almost getting hit by taxi's, experiencing thurman e. scott, pranks. Everything. I know I'm probably missing alot out, but just add them in the comments, :) thank you to everyone, I will never forget this. I really wish it wasn't over, and that it hadn't passed as fast as it did.

love you all,

Joana :)

Don't put up a missing person ad!

Yeah... I definitely didn't die.
I'm sorry I've been gone since November, I wish I could say it was something interesting like a trip to the rain forest where I got lost and joined a tribe surviving off the land until a helicopter found me... but that is definitely not the case.
I'm still in high school, there are 93 days until Graduation and 114 days until my last diploma exam where I will be forever done high school.
Pretty much I've been caught up with school and working, and if you all want me to be brutally honest, I haven't been in the mood to blog at all. I just felt like I had nothing to blog about, really. My life isn't THAT interesting.
But recently I've had a change of heart. I can't quite put my finger on it, but I feel inspired. I've also had a few realizations throughout my time away from the blog, but fo now I'll blog again later. :) Now you all know I'm not dead!
love love love,
little jay.

multiple realizations in merely 12 days.

I'm just taking a small break from stuyding and homework, so I thought why not go write a blogpost? I'm sorry I've been slacking, again. I'm just really stepping up my game in school, and been super busy with work. Alot has happened, so prepare yourself for a long (maybe medium length, if you're lucky) blog post.

First, a week ago from today I found out that one of my old friends from junior high had committed suicide. He always suffered with depression, and many people tried to help him but I guess it just became too much for him to handle. It's sad and heartbreaking, because he was turning 16 this month, his birthday being in two weeks. He was so young, and I wish that he would have believed that things do get better. I also feel kind of guilty, to be honest. I remember believing that he wouldn't do it, and I lost touch with him after junior high. We both went to different schools, and started hanging out with different crowds. His death made me realize a bunch of things.

Everyone you meet touches you in some way. Every conversation is like this collection, that affect alittle bit of your opinion, or even just make you think or realize something. The second you make that connection with another person, it's there for life. When they leave, you're just left with regrets and what ifs.

Another realization, is that be overly kind. Everyone is fighting some sort of battle, no matter how big or small. People can easily lie about their situations, and downsize it from what it really is. It may be something small and insignificant for you, but for them it's huge and important. I know I'm a difficult person to cheer up, but that when someone smiles at me, or just in general is kind, I automatically DO cheer up even the SLIGHTEST. That small gesture, can completely make someones day.

I feel happy at this point in time of my life, school is going amazing. Work is amazing, friends, everything. I feel like simplicity it slowly creeping its way back. That's another thing I realized. Simplicity is key. Sometimes simple, is all you need. It's what I aim for now, I don't want complicated. I don't want drama, anger. I don't want that bad stuff residing inside me, and showing up in my life constantly. Although I know it'll come in and out occasionally, just as it does for every person, I don't want to live with it every single day, and stress about it. I just generally, feel happy. I feel closer to my friends, family. I've managed to focus on school, work and volunteering. I feel balanced, and just really, as CHEEEEESY as this sounds, at peace. It's an amazing feeling, I missed it for quite some time. But anyway, my mini study break is now over, back to biology and social I go!

I hope all of you are fantastic :)
much love,
little jay.

highschool

I have a question, mulitple questions actually.
Who gave girls the right to degrade other girls?
Who gave us the right to go behind a girls back and say whatever we pleased about them?
When did that even become okay?
When was simplicity sucked out of our lives?
Why do we make everything so complicated for ourselves?
We choose to make things as hard for us as we can, and then we complain about it. We're not 5 years old, we are perfectly capable of making our own choices now, we have no one to blame but ourselves. That's why, I want to make things simple for myself. I dont want complications in my day to day. I've said it before, this year I want no drama. Already, that's been ruined but we can only hope the rest is better right? I want to be happier, not hostile. This year should be one of the happiest, it's our last year before we go into "the real world". We should be partying it up, not fighting. It's a fact that you don't talk to 97% of the people you graduate with who are your friends after graduation day. We should be using every moment preciously! Every moment counts, it always has.